Summertime Madness
Holiday. For many, this is the opportunity to take the time off work and relax, taking a well earned break from the hustle and bustle of life. For someone like me however, this is when the real work begins. Leaving your home means leaving your comfort zone entirely and losing control of your usually rigid diet. It is stressful to know you are entering several days of eating copious amounts of food served in hotel buffets or restaurants; you must deal with the constant temptation to completely avoid eating because no one is monitoring you. However, it can also be a time when you lose control entirely by overindulging on ‘forbidden’ foods that you have so long resisted. Eating these food is not a problem per se, yes the weight does need to be put on, yet it is the repercussions you have to deal with upon returning home and seeing the results on the scales. Although like for any other person a holiday is rewarding in its escape from reality, you can never completely switch off the niggling guilt.
Last summer I thought it would be beneficial for me to spend the three months away from my studies relaxing. I had just stopped my anti-depressants and I was somewhat content in life. I did not bargain for the constant boredom and feeling of solitude during this time and it resulted in my relapse over the winter. As a result of this, I was determined to spend this summer constantly on my toes; I have achieved this! Since returning from Africa I have barely had time to breathe, as less than a week later I had embarked on a week back in Newcastle to work. During my time there, it felt good to be in complete control of my food intake again; being solely responsible for myself I could eat what and when I wanted. During this time I saw my GP who said that I looked a lot healthier than when she first met me in January, despite finding out that I had in fact lost a little weight in Africa. This came as a shock to me, as I was certain I had gained quite a bit considering the amount of food I believed I was having. I guess what I hadn’t factored in was that I wasn’t snacking and I was constantly active during this time. We also came to the decision that I would stay on my anti-depressants for at least another year, as with my looming applications to Dentistry, I do not feel I could handle potential rejections without their support.
Upon returning home for a few days, I was aware that my annual family holiday was approaching, whereby I would be spending 10 days of eating buffets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Having experienced this type of all-inclusive holiday before I was almost certain I knew what hardship would be awaiting me. This looming knowledge meant that I was very aware of what I was eating a couple of days before leaving, especially when going out for lunch with one of my very close friends. Usually at Wagamamas I would have a normal noodle dish, yet on that day I could not face eating such a large meal when I knew just how much I would be eating in the next few days. I should not let such things influence my choice when ordering food; I should force myself to order what I WANT, but I ended up ordering a salad. My mind will sometimes mix up what I want with what my Anorexia feels I should eat. The hardest part for me eating out, is ordering food, as I must battle within my mind the choice I must make; finally eating what I choose seems like nothing compared to this struggle.
My 10 days in Turkey however, were certainly not plagued with any restrictions; I ate more than I would ever usually have allowed myself to eat in previous years since I have been ill. The week started somewhat difficult, as my sister has recently been diagnosed with gluten intolerance and a lot of the more calorific items on the buffet that I was eating (including desserts), she was not able to have herself. As if this wasn’t enough, she suffered from a 4 day bought of gastroenteritis and was therefore barely able to eat over these few days. Although it is hard to see someone eat less than me, I did not let it deter me from what I wanted to eat nor the amount I wanted to eat despite how conscious I was of this. A lot of the foods were hard to resist especially the fresh Turkish pastries that were available at both lunch and dinner. On two occasions as I was at the dessert table, people felt the need to comment on how many calories there were per bite of these luxurious pastries. Normal people would laugh along but I found it hard to stomach (no pun intended). Fortunately, I still went along and ate my fix of these sinful desserts. On top of this, I even had numerous sugar-laden cocktails to finish off my calorie-filled days. 
Knowing that I need to put on weight, I let myself gorge and binge on the buffet over my holiday, which scared me. What if I continue to lose control in the opposite direction and start eating too much because I feel I can and I have so long resisted the temptation? Over my time away I did put on well over 1Kg, which is s weight gain that I am not used to achieving in such a short period of time. I prefer to take it slowly and so since my return I have wanted to stick to a weight maintenance diet rather than restoration in order to allow my mind to catch up and accept the weight gain. However, I was not to be allowed to do so, as yet again after a mere week at home I was leaving to stay with some friends in Cardiff. From day one I was eating, yet again, out of my comfort zone. Fortunately, I was with a friend who is extremely considerate of my struggles and so I was able to voice my concerns. Speaking my worries aloud made me realise how foolish these thoughts are and how they are not my own yet belong to my Anorexia. During my with her, I was able to have a pizza, drink sugary cocktails, have a full Sunday lunch topped off with dessert and have a pancake brunch. Despite me being proud of the foods I ate, I am not proud that I ‘allowed’ myself these foods by not eating one of the most important meals of the day, breakfast. I NEVER allow myself to skip this nowadays, as I know how important it is for me to stick to 3 meals a day. I don’t know what possessed me or why I let it happen but I am ashamed that it did.
I have a couple more holidays lined up before I eventually trudge back to my last year at Newcastle. The next one comes at the end of the week, whereby I will be spending a week in France being fed by my generous grandmother. As much as I love spending time with my family, she does tend to love over-feeding us, however in recent years she is getting a lot better at cutting down to normal portions. It is for this reason that I am not too afraid of my time out there and I am even eagerly anticipating the French pastries! Following this, my sister and I will be leaving for Italy for a week together and again, food will be a big part of the enjoyment of the holiday. All I can say for now is pizza and pasta here I come!
(c) My Big Anorexia Nervosa Secret – Read entire story here.
