Deal with the Devil
Deal. A multifaceted word, which is often used simply as another term for coping. Dealing with an eating disorder can be an extremely challenging time for both the sufferer and those around them, as people become a shadow of themselves, obsessed only with the controlling of food. Sometimes in dealing with the stress of suffering, depression will commonly rear its ugly head making the notion of recovery one that is far beyond reach. But coping with the ups and downs and the world around you is something in life we will always have to face. As 2013 has come to an end, there have inevitably been some highs and lows that I was forced to deal with in a multitude of ways.
Dealing with stress has always been one of my biggest problems. Over the summer marked a huge turning point in my recovery when I was finally able to come off anti-depressants. However, this also initiated the return of me having to deal with emotions- be they euphoric or anguish- all by myself. Unfortunately I did not bode well. I felt the repercussions at times when I was bored or felt alone, but I was hopeful that it would soon rectify itself with the start of my second year at university where I would be kept busy with work and a social life. Unfortunately this was not to be the case, as my high expectations of the university life-style resulting from the one I had lived previously were to change dramatically. The amount of work, the distance from groups of friends you would usually have seen daily in University accommodation and the significant reduction in the time for a social life were all to come together to shape a term where I have felt alone.
I would specifically like to dedicate this blog to depression. With the exam season fast approaching, it has induced a state of depression within me. Of course I am well aware that a multitude of factors I have either not yet understood or have not allowed myself to acknowledge have also contributed to this. I feel yet again stuck at a point in my life whereby nothing is moving forwards. With the 2nd round of rejections for Dentistry earlier last year, I now feel like I am doing a degree that is wasting another 2 years of my life. I have a yearning to achieve but I feel my continuation is being held back from where I feel I really aught to be heading, yet I know that it is only my mind telling me so. The stress of dealing with any sort of rejection is a bitter pill to swallow. Whether it concerns education, friendships or even relationships, you can’t help but question just what it is that you did wrong and generally end up feeling like a failure.
I have pushed myself for so long to be the beacon of hope in recovery that I felt everyone was expecting me to be. No one has ever forced me to be happy and content all the time but as a society we all tend to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to other people’s problems. We all think that no one wants to hear that we have been struggling with any sort of depression in the fear that people will judge you for it being far too minor a woe or simply that we will bring them down. I want to fight against that. No I am not happy at the moment. I am finding it hard to socialise. I am finding it hard to eat. There, I have said it; I have been slowly regressing back into my Anorexia.
Having lasted only 6 months without them, the 1st of January 2014 marked the beginning of me starting on a course of antidepressants again. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I have been an awful person to live with for the past few months, becoming snappy, unsociable and anxious in any social situation. Anything that breaks from my ‘routine’ of meal times is a huge stress for me and I yet again I feel I must revolve a lot of my plans around meal times. The person I am when I am around my family is one I had hoped would never return. I am jealous, spiteful and rude and I feel guilty that some members of my family feel they should accept it just because I am depressed; they shouldn’t have to, yet I just can’t help myself. I want to be the kind and easygoing person I was only a year back, the person that was confident in her abilities to make friends and feel accepted in a group. I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere at the moment due to having alienated myself, I just hope it is not too late to fight for a reintegration.
I honestly- and naively- thought that my days with coping with Anorexia were behind me. But it is like an addiction; you need to work to maintain recovery and work to fight against the disorder’s vicious voices. However, it makes me therefore think, will I ever be free of these demons? For reasons unbeknown to me, I strive to eat less than everyone around me rather than the same amount, therefore constantly and annoyingly comparing my plate to others. It makes me feel strong and empowered knowing that I am not eating as much as everyone else. Why am I being so stupid? How can I even begin to think that what I am doing is an acceptable way to nourish myself? I KNOW it isn’t but I am at a stage whereby the comfort it brings me outweighs any logic; it is a constant mind game. It has been especially hard over the Christmas period for me, due to food being such a huge part of the celebrations. Yet, it has also been somewhat easier to hide the fact I am not eating as much because the French -being foodies- usually end up dragging out festive meals over hours, so I ended up having only a single meal for both lunch and dinner yet not compensating by eating more. My grandma would lay out a copious amount of nibbles every evening prior to the meal, which led to dinner being a lot lighter than it usually would. I would abstain from eating these meaning I would be eating far less than I should have been especially considering that I still do not eat bread with my meal, which the french generally substitute as the carbohydrates in their meals. Of course I am certain my parents noticed this, but did not have the energy to fight with me in front of family and friends. However, the hardest feeling to deal with is guilt. Guilt for the way I treat my parents, my friends…my sister. Guilt for eating too much, but especially guilt for letting everyone down when they believed I was so strong.
I am sorry to everyone who looks to me for inspiration for being weak and regressing. I will however say, I will NEVER let myself get to the stage whereby the Anorexia takes over. I am far too strong for that and I am beginning to fight back against the voices of the Anorexia and hope to come back twice as strong. I will beat it once and for all; I just need accept that it will take time and that I am never going to be ok 100{0d9774446e5c1c486b14bfd00f317fb53ff44ec6f4ca4ad04b1a0b82436e9f13} of the time. As time goes on, I slowly and surely will not need it to be a means of coping with my stress and find ways to channel anxiety more productively. I am going to get better, and I believe it, as I believe in myself. I have so much to look forward to in this coming year, but in order for my plans to be successful, I need to be healthy. I have never been one to set a goal at the beginning of each year, but this time around I feel it is appropriate to do so; My new years resolution is to fight against my Anorexia, fight against my depression and to be the person I know I can be.
(c) My Big Anorexia Nervosa Secret – Read entire story here.
