Because my body’s been fighting a nasty infection, I’ve been feeling run down, sleeping terribly, and really struggling to get through any physically demanding tasks.  Activities that I enjoy; love even, have felt grating.  

I started prescription antibiotics on Friday, and when I woke up Sunday, wasn’t really expecting much in the way of motivation.  I’ve been running, of course, because, if you know me, you know I will run with a severed head if I can manage it.  I’ve also put in a little time into the garden each day–just not as much as I ought to at this point of the season.  

I know I need to step it up, but I’ve felt so below par and, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but, for some reason, the kind of physicality that gardening requires–the squatting and standing back up again repeatedly–versus the continuous cadence of running, has felt so much more taxing over the last week.  

Sometimes when I am gardening, I get dizzy and see stars, or everything gets very dark momentarily.  It’s possible that it has something to do with orthostatic hypotension (a drop in blood pressure when standing quickly).  It’s very common and causes of this are myriad, but I think (and we all know I have an advanced medical degree, haha) the likely culprits are either dehydration, anemia, or my prescribed beta blocker.  

Despite my constant liquid consumption, I’m chronically dehydrated; the combined result of purging and frequent compulsive exercise.  Compound that with the hot, humid temperatures we’ve had, and I’d be feeling like garbage anyway.  

The anemia has plagued me off and on since about 2007 when I developed Orthorexia and, even though I am fully omnivorous and have been for years, I’m still eating disordered and thus occasionally have mineral and vitamin deficits.  

Lastly, you may have wondered at me mentioning a potential problem with low blood pressure while simultaneously taking a beta blocker (which lowers blood pressure). It’s actually used off-label to help with social anxiety and was added almost as an afterthought to my psychiatric medication regimen.  Certainly, social anxiety is a problem for me, but it is not, by any means, the most pressing of my mental afflictions.  

Anyway, since I’d been feeling so shattered from the toll of the infection and the factors previously described, I figured I’d make Sunday my rest day from running and gardening–to just spend the entire day focused on writing.  However, I woke up feeling moderately improved.  Plus, the weather was pleasantly cool and breezy!  

I wanted to take advantage of the fact that, not only were the antibiotics are doing their work, but I was also feeling more motivated.  The interest extended to participating in life outside of my bed and away from my desk.  Not only did I have a productive gardening session, but I also enjoyed my first “longish” run in well over a month.  

The reduction in physical pain–by way of taking the antibiotics–made such a difference in my motivation, my outlook, my overall mental state.  It got me thinking, just about the power of pain in general, whether it is physical or emotional, just how damaging it can be, how it can drag a person down.  

It sounds like I am being dramatic, and perhaps I am, but when there is seemingly nothing but painful stories and images spewed forth from the news media, it seems like I’m not the only one hurting.  

And sadly, not the only one acting out.   

In the last four days alone, 41 people were shot and four were killed in Chicago, Illinois.  Of the four that were killed, three were shot and one man was stabbed to death.  

At first, when I read that headline, I didn’t think anything of it.  I didn’t bat an eye.  Wait, oh yes, I did.  There was no apathy here, but a watered down “empathy”,  an “I understand” because I’m in such “grave pain” as well.

That’s disgusting, right? The weirdly selective way our hearts and brains have become trained to censor information?  To process it the way we’d like to, regardless of its original form or framework? I don’t know, maybe it isn’t.  Maybe that’s normal.  I know it’s normal for me.  It’s certainly normal for me to be myopic; to be short-sighted and selfish, to address my own pain first.  

Pull the plank of wood out of your own eye first! Yeah, that doesn’t mean what you might think it’d mean.  But it’s pretty topical; for me at least, me and all my patent hypocrisy.  I’m the last person to be making commentary about any of this, I’m just curious about all of these angry people; what made them commit all of this violence? It’s happening locally and abroad.  People are hurting.  People are raging.  A recent report in the Washington Post found the number of homicides in the country’s 50 largest cities is up 17 percent, the greatest increase in 25 years.  

This post turned rambling quickly, and I’d only meant for it to be a short update on running and some gardening stuff, but, as oft happens, I’ve digressed, waxed a bit philosophical even, which I don’t normally do. 

What I should have simply stated is that Pain is painful, whether it’s emotional or physical.  It varies in degrees, obviously, but it’s still Pain.  

It’s the cold-blooded murders in Chicago. 

It’s the Brussels attacks.   

It’s like the infection that’s been tearing down my physical body.

It’s like the crippling depression that attacks without warning.  

It’s like the dangerous anger, the white-hot rage of a mixed episode. 

Pain is scary.

And it’s powerful.  

But more than that, it’s infectious.

What do you think about the reported increase in homicides?   

About the overall occurrence of violence worldwide? 

POLICIES & DISCLAIMER

(c) Bulimia – SaltandPepperTheEarth – Read entire story here.