Nothing fancy but a quick update.  I just don’t want to disappear and have people wonder if I can ever be consistent again with blogging.  I hate blogging when things aren’t going well but on the other hand I’ve found a lot of people out there struggle with the same things so here we go.

Life is hard.  It wasn’t meant to be easy.  But sometimes I feel as if I’ve really hit my limit.  I don’t consider myself to be an especially strong person anyway emotionally so I feel at times like I’m not going to be able to get to the other side of what is happening.  I even wonder lately if there even IS an “other side“.   I try to be positive always but when the rough waters never subside you begin to wonder if  you really are just going through a ‘phase’ or if this phase is actually just your life.  Forever.  If the good times were an anomaly because THIS is what it is going to always be like.

I am a ball of fun today, aren’t I???  If you’re already depressed then don’t keep reading.  Bail out now!

In the past few weeks I’ve had a lot of things happening

1. Bee infestation in my  kitchen. I’ve killed 21 bees so far.  I’ve had exterminators come to try and find the source and they can’t find it.  So far no bees today.  But this is scary stuff.  Thank God I have a cat.  I can’t believe she hasn’t been stung yet but she slays bees like a queen!
2. My pipes got backed up and actual POOP was spit back up into the shower and bathtub. Also the top popped off the drain outside and it was spewing it out into the front yard as well.  Great way for me to say hello to the new neighborhood.  And a joy to stumble into the shower half awake one morning into a nice big pile of poop. Yep.
3. My garage ceiling is falling in.  I just bought this house in October and I was told everything was in great condition due to the inspection.  Now the entire garage ceiling is falling in.  So I have someone coming to look at that today.  I wonder if it’s the bees as they slowly take over.
4. The roof is leaking.  They said they had a brand new roof put on 6 months before I bought the house.  It is leaking now in two places.  I’ll blame that on the bees too because…why not.
5. There is water coming up through the floor in my sons’ room.  Not a lot but it is very cold and at times actually damp and wet.  The floor feels somewhat uneven.  I was told before I bought the house that there were no foundation issues but I’m 100{7920e18cf5186565893a18d1f69fa52bf2806dc683a7bfcea51d671d2f7d8125} sure that this is a foundation issue which won’t be covered by homeowners insurance I’ve been told.  Yeah.  On second thought the bees are probably now drilling through the foundation with their stingers as well.
6. I had a minor car accident several weeks ago.  I am grateful it was not a big deal.  I took my car to someone’s shop to get fixed and they let my car sit to the side not touching it.  The insurance only gave me 3 days of a rental car.  For the past 2 weeks I’ve been told my car would be done tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.  I am now over 350 dollars in rental car fees and every day my car is not finished.  It was minor damage.  I had to call my friend, Dalia (more on her later), to get this handled.  I am the person that sits back and gets walked on.  She is the person who makes things happen.   I get depressed that I can’t be more assertive and have to call someone to do it for me.  On the other hand I’m glad I have someone to call I guess.   If I don’t get my car back today ( as promised again) I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I can’t blame this one on the bees.  On second thought–I will.
7. Kid related stressors I won’t go into.  Some health related and some not.  I have awesome kids but sometimes things in life happen that are stressful and worrisome related to the children.   Always shouldering the weight of that by myself is tough.  I get so sick and tired of having to make all the decisions and then carry all the weight of those decisions being the right or wrong one.  I don’t think raising 4 children alone is something anyone should have to do.  I sometimes get very bitter if I’m being honest that I have no one to help me or at least to just tell me whether what I’m doing is the right thing.   I never intended to raise 4 kids by myself. And I get mad at God for allowing my Mom and Nana to die making me even more alone.  I hesitate to say things like this because at the end of the day I made the decision to have 4 kids and I wouldn’t undo that decision.  I wouldn’t be me without those children.  And even if I knew in advance that I would be raising them alone–I would still do it all over again just to have them in my life.  So I’m not saying that I regret that and I’m not saying that it’s unfair because it was my choice.  I’m just saying it’s hard and it’s not the ideal situation to be in because parenting is hard and made harder when done alone.  **stupid bees**
8. Depression is a struggle.  After moving out of Texas and moving back, I feel tired.  I am still angry at many things that went on while I was living in Virginia.  And the fact that I sacrificed so much for a situation that was not worth it.  I still feel hurt over how all of that went down.  I can’t go into it and I never will but suffice it to say I was put in a bad situation.  Or maybe I put myself into a bad situation.  I just am tired of trusting the wrong people.   It makes me want to isolate from the world.  Did I mention the house I had in Virginia had a wasp infestation??  Wasps…bees… Do they just have a vendetta against me?

I guess that’s all for now.   I haven’t done very well with my eating for the past week.   I know I have gained back some of the 12 pounds that I lost but not sure how much.  My scale is broken and I’m not too eager to fix it.   I’d rather avoid reality.  Besides the bees probably did it. 

One last thing I want to point out is that for some reason people tend to believe that when I don’t do well with losing weight that it is a reflection on my food plan or the way of eating that I have said works.

That is like saying marriage doesn’t work because some people cheat.   Or that paying your mortgage doesn’t work because some people get their house foreclosed on.   Or that gas doesn’t work because some people run out of it.

Those things work if you work them.  Gas works if you put it in your car.   If you don’t put it in your car then don’t blame the gas.

My problem is not always food.  It’s not always even SUGAR. Yes sugar is a problem for me when I eat it.  But I have to first EAT IT.  Staying away from sugar is always the right thing for me.  But there are mental and psychological things going on (maybe even spiritual things if you believe in spiritual attacks etc)  And if I am being honest I believe I have been under some kind of spiritual attack for a long time.   I know this is where many will check out and think I’m crazy . And that’s fine  I often think that too.  But I at times wonder why the enemy is hounding me so severely.  Why is he after me so hard and so fast? Why can’t I just live my life in peace without having bees infest my house, the garage fall in, my car stuck in a shop that won’t let it go and my roof leaking?

And I’m not even telling you everything.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg.  And it all has to happen AT ONCE.

Then  every single day of my life is another day of dealing with every last bit of that totally by myself.

Which leads me to another thought I have often lately.  Why am I destined to live this life so very alone? What is it about ME that makes me unworthy of being able to share life’s burdens with someone else?  And if I’m being really honest….I used to blame a lot of that on my weight.  But I’m not 417 pounds anymore.  Sure I’m still overweight but I’m fairly ‘normal’ now.  And guess what—still alone.  SO I have to wonder at a point….

Is it just me?

And I even point that at God sometimes.  I mean…is it just a big practical joke? It wasn’t enough that I’m alone?  My Mom and Nana had to be taken too?  Really?

It’s scary for me to feel that way.  To feel like I’m questioning if God even cares about me.  Or if I’m just the punching bag.

Ugh…talk about self pity.  I hate being this way.  Can I PLEASE just get my period already?  This premenstrual over emotional, self centered, super dramatic   ‘woe is me’ thought train is making me want to slap myself.

I’m sorry to say that there are some moments in life where the only true happiness I feel is from an ice cold Coke paired with a honey bun.  I don’t know if others have ever experienced the true elation from the 3 seconds that it gives you when it first hits your system.  Too bad it’s so short lived.  I know I’ll pay for it later but when you’re to the point where the depression and anxiety is drowning you then you do what works.  And there are times when I pray and I seek God and at the end of it all I open my eyes and I’m still alone.  The roof is still leaking.  And yet another bee is coming from seemingly no where.  Then I have to pay another 40 dollars to Enterprise rental car for another day of getting the run around by the car shop.

And in that moment—DONUTS

I so want to believe tomorrow will be better.  I want to believe “This too shall Pass”.  I so badly want to believe those things.

But right now today…it’s getting tough.   And I’m just sharing that.

Still I choose to have faith anyway.  Because that’s what faith is.  Believing in what you can’t see.  Believing in what seems impossible.  If I don’t hang onto my faith then I have nothing left except donuts.  And as beautifully tasty as they may be, they are actually far more dangerous than the bees because their sting lasts longer and carries far worse repercussions.

So I have to throw out the donuts.

Definitely THAT!

PS.  I barely know my neighbors in this new neighborhood but my next door neighbor has rolled my trashcan out for me 3 times in the past month because I cannot ever seem to remember to do it.  You know how depression makes every single thing seem like some insurmountable task?  Well that helped a lot.  There is nothing worse than forgetting to roll out your trash when you live with yourself, 4 children and 2 pets.  The trash is always full and simply cannot go more than a week.   My neighbor doesn’t even know me and he just did that to be nice.  It’s an older couple too.  I need to do something to say thank you because something as small as this is actually the bright spot that reminds me there are still good people out there who care.  I needed that today.

Any ideas for a good gift to give your neighbor that says “Thanks for rolling out my trashcan all the time…” :)))

Last but not least—How are all of YOU?? Excuse me while I step away from the mirror where I seem to have been lost in my own eyes complaining only about my own problems.  It’s so easy to do isn’t it?? Let me never forget to think of others and to be grateful for what I do have.

Thanks for listening!

(c) 300 Pounds Down – Read entire story here.