TW

So much has changed in the past few days. Last weekend I went against advice to visit my friends and family in Essex. In my mind it was my final way of saying goodbye to them as I had planned to end my life tomorrow. Only, my friend caught onto how much I was struggling and got quite upset. It caught me off guard completely as I had gone there with every intention to be happier and joke around. Ultimately, I wanted to leave her with a nice memory of me.

We had just finished our pizza and as she cried, I held her hand, desperately trying to backtrack and reassure her I’d be ok. I couldn’t think of what to say, so I listened. She said she would be completely devastated if she heard I had gone and that she would be lost without me. I truly didn’t think I made much of an impact in anyone’s lives and believe(d) they would be better off without me, but seeing the pain in her eyes forced me to re-evaluate.

I thought long and hard for the few days that followed and decided that as soon as the housing manager came back from his Easter leave I would open up and finally lay my cards on the table. That being my depression is crippling me, I’m seriously struggling with active suicidal thoughts, but after the interaction with my friend, I feel I owe it to her and all my loved ones to hold on a little longer.

I was working 2 days ago when I received the news.

Not long into my working day (I hadn’t had a chance to talk to the housing manager) my care coordinator emailed me as she wanted to speak to me asap. We agreed half 2pm (as soon as I finished).

I’ve been served my 28 day notice by my housing manager, meaning I will have to leave residential and find somewhere else to live. I thought I would be more disappointed or maybe angry but I actually felt more hurt that the housing manager hadn’t come to me about it first and that there had been no prior warning.

My care co also spoke about treatments moving forwards as it’s clear that my medications and past therapies haven’t helped enough, so we spoke about an alternative treatment. ECT. She said that my depression is severe and chronic and something needs to happen. I agreed and said I would be open to the idea of ECT. Afterall, what do I have to lose when I’m seriously considering taking my life anyway? She’s going to email my psychiatrist to suggest the idea.