by Melissa L.

I was recently unemployed for several months. It was so frustrating because I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I thought that working on myself would help manifest a great job and I believed I had to eliminate any beliefs that were blocking my success. Maybe, I just wasn’t being positive enough or believing hard enough that I could get the kind of job I wanted. I read self-help books, took online manifestation courses, and attended in-person seminars and classes on personal development.

I also tried practicing meditation, EFT tapping, and positive affirmations. In addition, I worked with coaches to specifically help me hone my job interview skills. I did all of this hoping to build my self-confidence in general and for job interviews specifically. When things still didn’t work out, I figured the solution must be to push myself harder to do more and more work to finally get it “right.”

Several life coaches I encountered online said their lives transformed when they hired a coach. For example, they managed to successfully start their own business, go past their limiting beliefs, and live the life they desired. If coaching had worked so well for them, then I assumed it would also pan out for me. Some stated that the cost of not having a coach in the long-term was more than the cost of hiring a coach in the short-term. This made sense. If I can get a better job with a higher salary, then I figured the coaching investment would pay for itself. 

Sadly, receiving “coaching” didn’t turn out exactly as I expected.

I hired four coaches to help me improve my job interview skills. I worked with one of them for eight sessions, and the rest of them for one to three sessions. The coach I worked with the longest was a caring, kind, genuine, and intelligent man. He advised me to constantly meet people through a networking app as a way to meet someone that could help me get a job. Although he had great intentions, the idea of talking to as many people as I could overwhelmed me. As an introvert, networking can be overstimulating at times, even though I love talking to people in small doses. 

I prefer having genuine conversations rather than talking to people mainly because I want them to help me land a job. This feels very inauthentic to me. When I didn’t network as much as I thought I “should,” I blamed myself for not getting a job because I wasn’t following my coach’s advice. I thought I wasn’t doing the necessary work instead of realizing that my coach’s approach was not compatible with who I am. His strategies worked well for him, and I’m sure for other people too, just not for me. 

My coach also told me how to sit down in an interview, where to put my purse, and what to say if the interviewer asks if I wanted water. Once again, he was offering suggestions to help me. However, this felt too contrived. I walked into the interviews feeling tense and worried about doing every little thing the “right” way.

As I write this article, I feel guilty writing about my coach. Am I being ungrateful? Wasn’t he genuinely committed to my success? He even lowered his coaching sessions for me because he didn’t want money to be an obstacle. What I learned was that just because a coach is nice and well-intentioned, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are the best match for you. In fact, they may have excellent reviews and be very accomplished, and it still doesn’t mean they’re a good fit for your needs. This doesn’t apply exclusively to coaching either. Someone might be an amazing person, but they may not be a great partner or friend for you.

To be clear, I am not trying to blame my coach for not getting hired. Even prior to meeting with him, I wasn’t getting a job, which is why I contacted him in the first place. Yet, in some ways, the coaching did more of a disservice to my potential, rather than boosting my confidence in the way I had hoped.

Eventually, I got a job and took a break from job interviews for a while. When I started preparing for job interviews again, I was afraid of repeating the strenuous process once more. I had a conversation with Pia (Adios Barbie Founder and a certified trained coach), and she advised me to not say what I think the interviewer wants to hear, but rather, to say what comes from my heart. I set the intention to express myself authentically, and it completely shifted the way I interviewed. Shortly after, I was offered a job that felt aligned with my values. Even when I didn’t get a job, the feedback I received from the interviewers was positive. They said I came across as confident, but they were looking for someone with different experience.

In hindsight, I realize that the coaches I worked with did not help me uncover what was keeping me stuck. Instead of spending more time getting to know me at a deeper level, they helped me craft rote responses. One online interview course I took provided examples of what to say and not to say. Working with coaches and taking the course made me think I had to give structured answers and follow a format.  Some strategies were indeed helpful, but some were designed to make me fit into a mold instead of helping me express myself in a way that was in alignment with my values, beliefs, and personality.

It’s possible that my coach’s guidance wasn’t what I was looking for at that time, or I was not ready for his strategies. What I really wanted to do was to dive deep into self-exploration. Don’t get me wrong, coaches can be very valuable resources. I’ve worked with some life coaches who have helped me feel better about myself, as finding the right coach can be extremely empowering.

It’s a good idea to interview any potential coaches before putting down any cash. Ask what their style and approach to coaching is. You may even ask what their training is in coaching techniques or certifications. It’s always good to ask them for examples of the ways other clients have grown and developed because of their work together. Prepared with this knowledge your chances of finding a good fit will increase dramatically.