Hello my dearest friends ?

I’ve been absent for a little while, but for good reason, I promise.

We had our daughter last Monday!!!

Penelope Grace.

She is the sweetest, most precious little lady I have ever laid eyes on. And as I’m typing this on my phone, sweet Penny is napping on my chest with her small little arms up by her face.

The house is quiet, and I’m blessed to be listening to little coos and her breathing as she sleeps off a big meal of breast milk!

There is so much that I want to tell you.

I’ll start with my labor story.

The whole process was a complete exercise in faith and surrender.

I ended up having a C section after 34 hours of labor…32 of which were unmedicated.

As you may recall, I really wanted to have an unmedicated birth. I wanted to unite the physical suffering of childbirth with Jesus’ suffering on the Cross, and offer it up as a spiritual act of worship.

And after this labor process, I certain can say that I did.

But going into the labor process, the mantra I had in my heart was “I surrender” and Jesus I Trust in You, which is the saying that goes with the image of Jesus the Divine Mercy, which I brought with me as my focal point in the labor suite.

Originally, I had thought that saying would be to mean, I surrender to the pain, as it is allowing me to share in a small sliver of Christ’s…but what it actually turned out to mean, was I surrender to God’s plan, which is different than mine.

I surrender to the experience and expertise of the doctors that God had on call that night.

I surrender to relinquishing control over how I wanted labor to go, and instead placing it in the hands of God.

I surrender to the fear of allowing certain medical interventions that I was uncomfortable with and against.

I surrender it all, and instead have complete trust in Jesus.

My baby was “sunny side up” – meaning she was facing the wrong direction for a vaginal birth. I found that out when I first went to the hospital on Sunday night. It was the same night as Trump’s assassination attempt. I was having contractions at home, watching the news about it before we went into the hospital.

But all of the laboring was to get to her to turn into the correct position.

Steven was my absolute rock during this whole process. My body would be shaking and he’d wrap his arms around me and my body could finally relax.

My parents were also in the labor room with us for some time, and Steven would offer counter pressure on my small back and my mom would gently stroke my arms during each contraction, which were coming about every 90 seconds.

I was just staying in my “cone of peace” trying to keep my mind centered on surrendering it all to Jesus.

After about 31 hours, my water still hadn’t broken and the dilation was only halfway there – and she hadn’t turned, or descended down into the birthing position in the pelvis.

And only being able to have ice chips…no liquids or food…during those 30+ hours, I was severely depleted, but determined to stay with it.

Steven and I were faced with our first difficult decision: they needed to either manually break my water or give me Pitocin to help the baby descend into the pelvis – both of which, we had determined on our birth plan that we did not want to do.

I surrender….

I had to trust in God’s plan, and so we had them manually break my water…which intensifies the pain of contractions, and would hopefully complete the dilation.

It didn’t.

It only intensified the pain to a level that was truly excruciating. I stuck with it for another hour, but when the severity became unbearable, I asked for an epidural, during which they also informed me that i had come to a crossroads of either pitocin to get the baby down or a C section.

So I opted for Pitocin and prayed it worked. And after three more hours, they determined that all options had been exhausted and I needed to undergo a C section.

Steven was up by my head and he played “Oceans” on his portable speaker and we prayed our way through the surgery.

It was the most beautiful thing. When we first heard her start crying, I – obviously – couldn’t get up, but Steven shot right up and looked over the curtain. And seeing him see her for the first time was so incredibly special — *almost * as beautiful as seeing her the first time myself.

But seeing the joy and elation in his eyes was something I will never forget.

I knew she would be scared and since I couldn’t hug her right away, I told Steven to talk to her because I knew she would recognize our voices, and so he walked with her to all the different “clean up” stations around the operating room, narrating to her and me what was happening and comforting her with his voice, telling her not to be scared.

It turned out that little Penny had also been working so hard to get herself into the correct birthing position, so much so that when she was born, her head was a bit pointed from her efforts to turn and descend into the pelvis.

When they finally placed her on my neck (it was the only thing exposed on my side of the curtain) it was the most euphoric feeling. I was crying and so happy. I was absolutely exhausted and utterly depleted, but everything else went quiet and everything was just in her eyes looking up at me, and it has been ever since.

She is our little miracle. She is the most precious little girl and I cannot wait to love her for the rest of my life.

My recovery has been pretty tough. After not eating or drinking for 34 hours, it was additionally taxing that the following day, I couldn’t even keep water down, nor get out of bed because I was still hooked up to a cathader and my legs were still paralyzed.

Steven was such an amazing partner — and still is. He did every diaper change, served me and our daughter and did it all with a smile.

I’ve been home now for several days, and he has been changing my diapers, our daughters diapers, cooking for us, cleaning, doing laundry, soothing our daughter, playing with her, etc – because I am confined to bed/our nursery recliner, as standing for more than about 5 minutes results in searing pain on my incision. It has been incredibly humbling, but also so beautiful to see Steven’s character on display. I am truly so blessed to have this man as a husband.

But all that to say … I would go through all this again and again without even a millisecond of hesitation if it means we get our little girl.

Our daughter is the greatest blessing of Steven and my lives. She is half of me and half of the love of my life. And she has already captured my heart to an extent I couldn’t believe was possible.

Now onto the good things:

I am able to breastfeed!! Which I am SO grateful for. Wow. And boy, is it ever a beautiful experience. It is so bonding and calming for both of us. It is such an incredible thing to know that my body is able to sustain her. God is so good.

I have just been so grateful that God blessed me with the ability to have Penny even after all the destruction I did to my body through the anorexia.

I never dreamed this would be possible.

But God.

I am so grateful for this moment. For this opportunity, for this little girl ?

Thank you all for praying for me through this entire journey. The encouragement and sharing your experiences and instilling confidence in me was truly such a blessing. And it is just such a joy to share this news with you, my friends.