Should You Leave Your Dream to the Experts?

For me, it was Maria’s processional as she walked down the aisle of the Austrian Cathedral to marry Captain von Trapp; nuns and children looking on lovingly, the Fairy Tale coming true. Maybe, for you, it was Ariel as she professed her love for her animated prince in his puffy shirt. Or maybe it was the 1900 guests Kate Middleton walked through to wed England’s real-life Prince Charming.

Image via Pixabay

Whatever the scenario, chances are you’ve had some romantic notion in your psyche of the ideal wedding.

From The Knot to “Say Yes to the Dress” to your very own Pinterest wedding board, we’re obsessed with making the occasion absolutely PERFECT.

Remember when you and your significant other made it official? You said “yes”, you chose a date, you announced your engagement with personalized postcards. You were deeply in love and eager to build a life together.

The time had come to move past dreaming and on to planning.

So many questions. So many decisions. So many things that COULD go wrong and spoil your day. You were excited…until you started reading stories online and listening to your “friends” eagerly share their dream-turned-nightmare wedding dramas.

Now what if – and just hear me out – what if you relinquished control and put your perfect day in the hands of a specialist? Not just anyone, mind you, but a professional who has earned a degree in the Matrimonial Arts, with certifications in Tulle, Taffeta and Tulips.

I’m talking WEDDING EXPERT here, people.

A specialist skilled, not only to ensure the best outcome for your event, but also to execute plans efficiently with the latest styles and innovations.

You decide on the must-have venue: The one with the center aisle and leaded-glass windows and exact seating for your guest list. With your Fairytale Wedding Plan and large deposit in hand, you meet with The Wedding Expert. He greets you with a smile, glances over your plans, and files it away in your brand new ivory floral wedding folder.

He spends six or seven minutes asking a few questions, then informs you that:

After looking at the estimated wedding date calculator, your ceremony will be rescheduled for 266 days after your official engagement – the optimum planning period.
You have reserved the large cathedral, but there is always the possibility you could be bumped to the courthouse at the last minute.
You may select your own dress for bridal portraits, but for the ceremony itself, you will be issued a simple gown to wear, as pearls and sequins can damage the hardwood floor.
Battery-operated candles will be utilized instead of real ones which, of course, are a fire hazard. After all, the expert explains, 1 in 3,240 weddings experience a small fire because of a rogue flame.
He looks over your vows and tells you they are unrealistic. You cannot promise to always love, honor, cherish. He changes the words to “we will attempt to get along, to the best of our ability.”
You may invite a couple of loved ones to the wedding, providing they remain unobtrusive.
A dose of Benadryl will be administered one hour before the wedding in the unlikely incident of an allergic reaction to your bouquet.
One personal attendant (bridesmaid/groomsman/usher) is permitted. If you find you need more, venue employees will be on standby to fill in.
No photography is allowed during the service.
No need to worry your pretty head about flowers, music, food, etc. The Wedding Expert will decide what works best for you.
Your own minister may preside over your ceremony, but The Wedding Expert himself will arrive at the last minute to officially “pronounce you husband and wife” and sign your marriage certificate.
To signify the end of your romantic, intimate event, everyone present will be prompted to chant loudly, “KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!”