Hey, everybody welcome to today’s episode. I have a question for you. That’s where I want to start. I want to ask you what’s one thing that you are trying to change or that you’d like to change about your eating. I really want you to take the time to stop and answer this question for yourself. Okay?

I want you to come up with one thing that you are trying to change, one thing you’re trying to do or that you would like to do to change your eating.

 Let me ask you, does your answer include the word no or not? Or is your answer a variation of something you won’t do or something you’re not going to think?

We need to work new mental muscles. If we’re going to think about food and eating differently. And if you’re going to change your relationship with food in a way that’s actually going to work.

Diet mentality has done a number on us, such a number. So much of what’s probably in your head about changing your eating or breaking over eating habits is negative. It’s about breaking over eating habits. Taking something away. It’s based on deprivation. Based on withholding, based on going without, based on being strong enough to ignore a hunger or a need or a craving or an urge. Based on willpower.

When you sit down and think about and come up with a plan for making changes with the way you’re eating, the tendency is almost certainly to focus on what you are not going to do. And, big surprise, this is not a great strategy. If you want an example, then here we go. Quick. Don’t think about pink elephants.

How’d that work for you? Now we’re all thinking about pink elephants. Right? Building the habit of not doing something or doing something less is significantly harder than building a habit of doing something or doing a thing more frequently. This is what change experts call a positive habit, doing something versus not doing something.

A plan to not do something keeps your brain focused on the very thing that you want to not do. The very thing you don’t want to think about or be focusing on. Much like with the pink elephants. If what you want to do is dissolve cravings, or lose the urge to binge, or not even think about ordering the dessert that you’re not hungry for, then telling yourself not to do it just sets you up to be in a struggle with it.

It keeps the thing alive in your brain. And in that struggle, you might win, in that instance. But the old habit is going to be very present in your mind. Remember, we are actually taught to think about habit change this way, at least when it comes to food and losing weight and losing the amount of food that we’re eating. Right?

So, when you think about the goals that you’re trying to achieve, be honest with yourself. Take some time. It’s going to be really valuable for you to examine how many of these are negative goals. Goals like, I won’t eat after dinner. Did you focus this season on I won’t eat the Halloween candy this year?

What kind of thoughts are you having about overeating, during the winter holidays or even about what you won’t do in the new year? The negative thinking, the negative goals, the negative thoughts around food, changing your eating, overeating, emotional eating, they’re everywhere.

Not doing something is a goal based on willpower. The goal itself is actually a statement that I will have willpower. I won’t run out of willpower. I will be strong. Right? Not doing something requires discipline and self-restraint. And a real focus on not doing something. And we always run out of discipline and self-restraint and willpower at some point. It’s a faulty plan.

Here’s another fun fact. Telling ourselves not to eat something can also trigger your inner rebel. Ever have that happen? Telling yourself you’re not going to eat something. And then there’s that little voice that’s like, you’re not going to tell me what to do. I’ll eat whatever I want. Being told you can’t do something is rarely particularly motivating. It rarely creates a good kind of energy inside of us.

Especially if you have a history of programs, participating in programs that pushed you to deprive yourself or relationships where you felt policed or judged for your eating. Being told what you’re not going to do, even if you’re the one telling yourself that, can push some very powerful buttons and it can create a counter reaction.

So, when it comes to making changes with your eating, when it comes to trying and working to change your overeating or your emotional eating, Yes is better than no. What I mean is that it is absolutely time to retrain your brain to decide and then to focus on what you are going to do. What you are going to think. How you are going to respond. Instead of deciding or focusing on what you aren’t going to do.

So there’s this funny thing that happens and you may already be thinking it as I’m talking. It is much easier for us to come up with lists of what we don’t want to do sometimes than to generate a list of ideas about what it is that we do want to do. So in case it’s helpful, here are some examples that I have taken from women in, who are inside of my Missing Peace program.

And I’ll just run through these. I want to make a note that it’s not that these are right examples. Right? These are not, “Oh, this is the exact positive thing you should be doing”. But they’re examples of moving from something you don’t want to do into, wait a minute, I’m going to set an intention of what I do want to do. And I think it might be helpful to get your own brain working around creating some positive goals and some positive actions that you might want to take.

So one example is from somebody who decided I’m going to do five minutes of deep breathing when I get home from work. She had a habit that she is working to break of automatically going for something to eat after work.

So instead of automatically going and getting that food or telling herself, you know, I’m just not going to eat when I get home. Her new thing that she is playing with, and it’s not so new, she’s been doing it for a little while now is I’m going to do five minutes of deep breathing when I get home from work. That is the goal.

Somebody else in the program was not happy about how eating was going around dinner time. And how much she was eating and also mindlessly eating at dinner. And so her positive habit is, I’m going to practice slowing myself down at dinner. And actually experiment with waiting to start my meal until the initial settling down chaos has died down at the table.

I’m going to kind of wait through that before I start eating my meal. That’s her positive goal. Instead of, I’m just going to try to not eat so much at dinner. Do you hear the difference?

Another member goal is, I’m going to work at taking short breaks in the afternoon. I’m going to work at taking short breaks in the afternoon instead of trying to power through and using chocolate and caffeine to do it. She’s working on something positive, something she is doing, not this kind of nebulous act of not doing.

So here’s some more general ways that you can put this strategy into play. Let’s talk about food. Instead of focusing on what you won’t eat, you could play with focusing on what you will. For example, I’ll try eating more protein.

I’m going to, I’m going to try to add more protein at lunch and see how that affects my hunger and my cravings in the afternoon. Instead of, I am not going to come home and eat all the snacks after work. I’m going to try adding more protein at lunch.

Another general concept is that instead of declaring that you can’t eat something, or you can’t have something, you could play with when policies. We talk a lot about policies inside Your Missing Peace. When policies. So, an example would be, when I start feeling a certain way, I’ll do X.

When I start feeling pulled toward the kitchen in the middle of a stressful afternoon. I’m going to take a break for a few minutes and journal and get curious about what’s going on inside me. It’s an intention to do something.

It doesn’t mean, a positive habit doesn’t mean it’s a happy habit. Right? Or a joyful habit, but it’s a positive action that you are taking instead of trying to stomp out or prevent taking an action.

When it comes to changing your eating willpower and finding ways to think, “Oh, I’ll just have more willpower”. That is a sneaky, insidious kind of thought that comes in so easily because we’ve all spent a lot of time in diet culture and with deprivation mentality and learning all these ideas about being strong. And if something didn’t work, it’s your fault because you should be tougher on yourself and you should work harder.

It is so easy to create a plan and even think you’ve maybe created a positive goal that’s actually based on, I will be stronger. I will have more willpower. I will have more inner fortitude and discipline. Instead of challenging yourself to have more willpower, one thing you can do is to try to focus on building habits that take care of your needs in ways that are more helpful and actually more effective than reaching for something to eat.

You can take a look at your hidden hungers. What are the, what are the reasons that I’m going for the food and how can I spend some energy taking care of the reasons instead of trying to sit on my hands and restrain myself from going to eat the chocolate chip cookies.

So that might be something like, I’m going to step outside during my breaks instead of wandering into the break room where there is always some baked good that is going to be staring at me. Right?

I’m going to do this because I think it addresses this need I have, which is I’ve been working nonstop and I need a break and I need to unfocus from my computer screen. I need to take a breath. I need to feel the fresh air. I’m going to play with that and see how that works.

It can take a minute to transition yourself and your brain and the whole way you approach change. It can take a minute to shift that from the negative kind of habit focus that you are used to into this more positive, proactive goal setting.

But this is really going to help. And once you get into the groove with this, it does become easier. Also, there’s another benefit of creating these positive forward moving goals that is really worth paying attention to. When you have a goal of “I’m going to do this” versus something you’re going to try to stop doing, it is so much easier to see and to track your progress.

When you’re focused on what you are doing. What you are thinking. It is so much easier to see that you’re getting somewhere. You can see progress. I did it. I did it again. I did it again. That’s a powerful factor in creating motivation and also for creating ongoing momentum. You’re getting somewhere.

Making a positive change or doing something positive feels different from not doing something. And it’s easier to point to. It’s easier to track and to measure. Positive actions, even very small ones, also tend to beget more positive actions. It not only feels motivating to be moving in the right direction and to see that you’re moving in the right direction, but it creates momentum and motivation to be moving in the right direction.

Positive actions energize us. They build a sense of effectiveness and confidence. They create a trail of wins that, like breadcrumbs, allow us to see that we are growing and changing and getting somewhere. And again, all of this creates a positive cycle. All of this creates momentum.

And all the while this is happening, Here’s another thing. What you’ll probably eventually discover as you create more and more positive goals, as you set your sights on what you’re going to do, as you focus on what will help, as you focus on what you want to add into your life, what you are eventually going to discover Is that creating and acting on positive goals, taking positive action steps and making positive decisions about what you will do, how you will progress is going to almost certainly move you away from focusing on food and deprivation and diet things.

And it is going to move you closer to understanding and then addressing the real reasons that food had the power that it did in your life. It is going to move you closer. To taking care of the reasons. To addressing the hidden hungers. Whether you realize it or not. That’s what happens.

And this, my friend, is how you create lasting freedom from overeating.

It is an incredibly powerful step to start doing positive things.

I’ll talk to you soon.