Adaptation. When faced with a different environment that is unknown to us, we tend to amend our behaviour in order to conform to what we believe is expected of us. How do you then distinguish between who you really are and want to be and the person that you have been perceived to be in a given situation. In most cases an adaptation can be beneficial, as we are given the opportunity to leave our turbulent past behind and create a more genuine persona, in other cases the change is drastic and turns you into a person you had never wanted to be. Having had an eating disorder whereby I would aim to control every aspect of my eating habits, it is hard for me to not feel completely lost in a situation where I have no control i.e. the way I appear to others. Unfortunately, the freedom of relinquishing control has become so euphoric that I have entered a path of apparent self-destruction where I have no idea how to reign in my emotions anymore in the fear of becoming overly restrictive again. As Christmas approaches I have become increasingly aware of my need for a ‘time out’ from university and the independent life I have been thrown into.

This particular season is always difficult for someone with an eating disorder. The cold weather requires us to consume more calories in order to keep up our body temperature. However, what happens when you are unable to remember how to adapt your intake in moderation in response to your body’s changing needs? Particularly these last couple of weeks, the thought of being back at home with my family has been quite daunting in the respect that I will no longer be entirely in control of what I eat and when I eat again. In a way, it will be a relief to relearn what correct portions are; I continue to worry I overfeed myself, despite me KNOWING that it is doing more good than harm. My grandmother is a firm believer of a hearty meal, always cooking too much for her loved ones and knowing I will be spending the Christmas period with her is quite terrifying in regards to food, no matter how much I look forward to spending quality time with my family. The whole idea of this month being filled with celebrating by eating decadent foods and drinking calorie laden alcoholic beverages has been looming over me for quite some time. I have subconsciously adapted my diet recently in order to ‘prepare’ for the food ahead. I have of course been mindful of just how much I am eating and making the effort to eat a correct amount, however there is the ever present thought of just how much weight I will potentially put on over Christmas.

I now look in the mirror and see the body shape I used to have before I was ill. Despite this when I weigh myself I am only a couple of kilos under my target weight, which makes me wonder what I would look like with that much more weight on me. I foolishly try to rationalise that I need not put any more weight on because I lost all my muscle due to starvation. The common knowledge that muscle weighs more than fat makes me think that maybe I am at a correct weight… It is hard without professional advice to convince myself I should put on more, even though my logical scientific brain knows that I could do with at least a few more grams. What worries me the most is noticing the cellulite that has appeared around my thighs due to the uneven fat deposit which is inevitable after such dramatic weight loss. I am somewhat sickened at the site and I can feel my heart fluttering with fear inside my body upon me seeing it. I am ashamed of it. My upper thigh and bum were my ‘problem’ area prior to developing Anorexia, with their return the anxiety and dislike have also made their appearance. What I must constantly remind myself is just how much I genuinely missed having these features when I was at a low weight and not to fear them but embrace them as who I am. Despite this I cannot help but scrutinise my body in the mirror for where exactly the weight I have gained has accumulated.

Of course anyone looking at me would think me ridiculous for having such petty body hang-ups but they do not truly understand the extent to which my body has changed over the past few months and readapting my mind to seeing a healthier figure in the mirror does take some time and getting used to. With this acceptance however, is coming the increased urge to start exercising and toning up. This is another fear. What if I once again take it too far, or what if I am judged for exercising? Also what if I am restricted from actually exercising from a third party purely because they fear I am returning to old habits? This is a new dilemma I am going to have to face now that my body is returning to normal. Like any normal adult, I must exercise in order to keep fit, it is finding that moderation again and learning to do exercise because I enjoy it as opposed to having a goal to lose weight, is a hurdle I will have to face.

Upon deciding to visit my brother at his university for the weekend I had no time in which to make myself a lunch before I was to leave for my train. I was therefore faced with the task of buying food at the station in which to eat on my journey- this was my chance to challenge myself. I went into the nearest supermarket because I knew there would be calorie information on the food and I was preparing myself for the biggest challenge yet… to eat a sandwich. This daunting task was only slightly appeased with my knowledge that I had had no time to eat breakfast that morning and so a sandwich would not harm me. As part of the supermarket’s mealdeal, I was also able to choose a snack to go along with my sandwich; this turned out to be my very first packet of crisps- doritioes. I did not simply go for a plain sandwich either; I chose a chicken filled sub. I was not so worried because I had the calorie information in front of me to prove that I was not eating an extortionate amount. This fateful day was not to end there with breaking terrific feats; I was to experience my first proper Chinese takeaway with my brother that night. I did not simply go for the duck and pancakes as I usually would, knowing that this would be the least of the calorific dishes. Instead, I chose the dish that sounded most appealing to me on the menu, which is something I would rarely do at a restaurant and I even topped it up with a side dish of rice. Instead of feeling immensely guilty, I was somewhat proud of myself for having achieved this and all in one day. It showed me it only takes a little courage to go a long way in recovery.

I do have my fair share of ups and downs, but with some failures come some victories in my recovery. Yet it seems it is the failures that seem to stick in people’s minds and define me. Nobody can be perfect and I must learn to accept that I cannot please everyone however much I try to change myself. I therefore should stay true to who I am. This however, is made harder with the fact that I have lost my sense of identity and who I am and so it is very much a trial and error game in determining the person I have now become. I want to come across as head strong but I feel unbelievably lost at times and I tend need reassurance from wherever I can get it to show me I am on the right track to recovery. Sometimes I push the boundaries of what is acceptable too far, but this is a learning curve. I am adapting to my second chance at life and it will take time for me to settle into what I am comfortable with.